Welcome! If you are GLBT, I invite you to read
this Special
Message before reading my faith story. It offers
some assurances that are important to share.
IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL:
While it
is common for many of us who experience the threat of
rejection to briefly contemplate suicide, for some the
prospect of suicide may be a serious consideration. If you
feel suicidal, we want to HELP you right now. My story is
not nearly as important as you reaching out - right now -
for help. Simply click HELP now. First, you should
know that you are not alone. Second, you should know
that there is help available. Third, you should know
that God loves you very much - right where you
are! You are His child and He deeply loves you. Fourth, we
care deeply for you. Fifth, your life is extremely
valuable - this world needs you. In
this moment, choose life my friend - HELP is a call away.
NOTE: This in no way
implies that "you" are suicidal - we simply recognize that
sexual orientation is a sensitive topic and we want to be
diligent in assisting those who do need help.
CHILDHOOD/TEENAGE YEARS
I was born and raised in a small town in rural
Mid-America and had the greatest childhood for which anyone could
ask. Our family was very close. We enjoyed boating, hiking, caving
and watching football games on Sunday afternoon.
My two brothers and I lived an adventurous life
building forts and looking for lost treasures in the wilderness. We
threw rocks at trains and mud balls at cars! We regularly had family
reunion picnics outdoors with campfires, roasted marshmallows and
hotdogs. In my family, there was a lot of love!
Our family was an “Easter and Christmas” kind of
church family. We knew “John 3:16” not from what it actually said in
the Bible but as a religious symbol behind the goal post in football
games. We believed in God but He was a distant God.
I knew from age 11 that I had homosexual desires.
Throughout my teens, I guarded this secret tightly. I drank alcohol
to escape and repressed my feelings hoping they would go away. They
did not go away. These were desperate years. I asked to be baptized
thinking that would heal me but the feelings only grew
stronger.
COLLEGE
When I entered college, I hoped that I would finally fall in
love. Instead, I joined a fraternity and constantly feared
rejection if they ever found out about me. Fearing rejection, I left
school and moved back home.
On one day not long after I arrived home, I was standing next
to my Mom as she did the dishes. Having suffered this great
disappointment of leaving school, I was hurting and in a moment of
tenderness I felt safe beside my Mom. I was literally about to open
my mouth and tell her my biggest secret when she said, "About
the worst nightmare a parent could experience is to find out one of
their children is gay."
I am convinced that Mom had no idea what I was about to say
and she did not mean it in a hurtful way. I knew how much my Mom
loved me. The timing of her statement, however, clearly
closed the door. It was these two experiences that led me to two
conclusions: (i) I am gay – this is no stage; and (ii) No one can
know.
POST-COLLEGE
At age 23, I graduated from another university and started my
career. Once again, I was hoping that I would finally fall in love.
But I soon became fearful that if co-workers knew about me I could
lose my job or at least my credibility.
By this time, I had repressed my feelings for 12 years and
all the years of denial finally took their toll. I became severely
depressed and could not tell - at times - if I was awake or in a
dream. Some days, I could not get out 
of bed. I would
sometimes drive over the yellow line and wish that a dump truck
would take me out.
I finally sought therapy and was soon able to tell my
parents. For me, it was the hardest day of my life as I struggled to
say the words “Mom and Dad, I am gay.” I cried for hours before I
was finally able to say those words to them. For my parents, it was
like the death of a son. For me, I felt like a ton of bricks were
finally off my back and I felt an amazing sense of hope for the
future. Mom and Dad loved me even while they grieved and questioned
“why”.
FINDING LOVE
In 1991 at the age of 25, I fell in love. It was an
incredible natural high as I finally experienced all that I had
dreamed about for so many years. Finally, I felt free and I did not
care so much what others thought of me.
I had everything a guy could want – a wonderful lover, a
great job, good health and acceptance from my family. But somewhere
around the second year of our relationship, I started searching for
deeper meaning in life. All these wonderful material and relational
blessings were great but there was something deeper that they could
not 
satisfy. Even acceptance
from my family and relatives and friends could not calm a
growing anxiety in my heart.
SEARCHING
The Religious Right was condemning me to
hell while Pro-Gay Theologians were saying that ANY
consensual sex was ok. I decided that I could not believe either of
them, so I journeyed through the Bible to find out what Jesus had to
say about my life. I was disturbed and disappointed to find many
verses that described homosexual relationships as sin. The more
I read, the more I became convinced that God’s Word was true. I was
attending church regularly and getting more and more involved in
discovering that God had a purpose for my
life.
A SIBERIAN MISSION
TRIP
In 1995, I signed
up to go on a mission trip to remote Siberia and it changed my life
forever. I met people who were SO innocent compared to my Hollywood
life. I met people who had paid a price for their faith under
Communist rule. I saw a widow who wept as she touched the gate
surrounding a condemned cathedral – she did not weep because it was
closed – it had been closed for 75 years…she wept for joy that she
finally had the freedom to touch the gate as an expression of her
faith. I saw orphans grotesquely muscular and yet malnourished from
working potato fields. God ended up doing a mission trip on
me!
A JOB
RELOCATION
When I returned from
Siberia, a job transfer took me to New England. Leaving my lover, my
family and friends and my belongings behind, I soon was isolated and
lonely. It was during these days that God pulled me into His Word
and into Prayer. God gently showed me that we all have needs - we
have hunger needs, sleep needs, relational needs, sex needs, success
needs. And while all of these are important, God showed me we will
never get ALL of our needs met. It’s a fact of life – we all know
this to be true from our own 
lives. But it was more than that – I saw that the
Siberian people’s need for Jesus…and their need for love and
food…had to be more critical than my homosexual identity.
Jesus taught me that the Gospel does NOT mean that God is
love and therefore we can have ALL of our own needs met – but that
through the Gospel Jesus gives us strength, love, peace and comfort
when all our needs are NOT met! Jesus says to you and me today
– those of us who have tried filling our lives with the things of
this world and it has not worked - HE says, “Come to me, all you who
are weary and burdened, and I WILL GIVE YOU REST.” And in an
unexplainable and supernatural way, He becomes the One that can meet
ALL our needs...
SURRENDER AT THE CROSS
Within months after moving to
New England (1995) and after many weeks of resisting God’s call to
surrender my life to Him, the day finally came. It was late in the
night and I was wrestling with God holding on to my own will. With
my spiritual eyes, God showed me Jesus nailed to the Cross and his
bleeding head was down against His chest. Jesus lifted His head and
the most loving, compassionate gaze peered from his eyes into mine.
And God asked, “Do you want my Son?”
I wrestled with God. I said,
"Lord, you can have my whole heart but I just can't let go of the
one person I love so much...can't I just keep this small part of my
life but give you everything else?" God seemed to say that maybe my
lover and my homosexual identity were not such a small part of my
heart. He was right...while I had a very integrated life that was
not solely defined by my sexuality, how could the one I love and how
I experience love not be a huge part of my life? The fact is...my
lover and my life meant the world to me.
Then I thought, "Lord, ok, I'll
give you my lover and my identity and invite you more into how I
live out my life in this area." I mouthed the words but my heart
knew I was not willing to let go and surrender this to Him. After
much resistance, I finally collapsed to the floor weeping…I felt all
my strength go out of me…and I felt a peace come over me as I said,
“Ok Lord, I am Yours.”
MY NEW LIFE
That was over 10 years ago. There was much pain in those
days, but also much comfort from my Savior. He guided me to an
excellent Church and a wonderfully accepting and loving Care Group.
It is my Church where God gave me mentors and brothers and sisters
in Christ who listened and comforted me.
Just as one example, I sought out a mentor on an anonymous
basis and received a call from an Elder one evening. That night on
the phone – he only knew me as “Bill” – he prayed that the Lord
would heal me and raise up for me a wife and children from within
the Church. I was a little shocked to hear his prayer because I had
NO thoughts about marriage – I was hurting from the loss of
my lover and yet discovering the joy of knowing Jesus.
MY NEW IDENTITY
It's very interesting to look back now. At the time, I felt
so deeply that my identity was much more than "sex". And I
still believe that today! My homosexual identity was my source of
love...both who I loved and how I loved...it was the reason for my
sensitivity to others' needs...it was what drove my compassion for
people...it 
was what
made me fight for justice for those who were ostracized
and weak. It was, in short, me! Who I am!
And yet many people probably looked at my life and said "he
chooses to be gay." There were probably many people that rejected
me....that judged me instead of seeing the whole person that I felt
I was. And so I saw surrendering my life to Christ through the
eyes of uncompassionate religion...I thought it would mean that I
would lose my entire identity...not just who I love and how I
love...but literally "who I am."
Little did I know
the healing that would nourish my soul as I finally let go of
my will and stepped freely with my whole heart and mind
into whole-life surrender to Christ. On the other side of
surrender, I found that I did NOT lose my identity at all! Yes, I
lost my lover and I lost my will to continue seeking love and life
through homosexuality. And I don't want to minimize that loss - it
was very painful many times. I will never minimize that! It was
the hardest part of surrendering my entire heart and mind and life
to Christ...
But surprisingly,
I found that the other personality traits I associated with my
homosexual identity were not mine at all...but the very image of God
stamped into my heart! He made me this way! Yes, I really was
born this way! Compassionate, sensitive to others' needs, concerned
about justice for those who are weak. My life purpose, passion
and sense of eternal significance emerged as I realized
God created me this way to do His will for my life in the few short
years we have here on earth.
AND MUCH
MORE
I
thought that all I would ever have is Jesus. And believe me, Jesus
is enough! But God did not stop His work in my life. He transformed
a wonderful friendship I had with an awesome Godly woman in my Care
Group into a beautiful love - my wife and I married in 1999. God has
used my wife and children as a wonderful source of healing in my
life over and over again.
I am not afraid to say openly
that I am not 100% free of same-sex attractions. Yet there is a way
in which Christ provides for my wife and I to have a sexually,
emotionally and spiritually satisfying marriage even in my imperfect
state. While I mention the provision of marriage that God has
provided for me, I in no way hold marriage as what it means to be
"healed." Knowing Christ in a nourishing personal relationship is
what true healing is all about - we will all struggle with
temptation until the day we die.
It is no different for a
heterosexual man who loves and adores his wife and yet must keep
attractions for other women in check. Surrendering such attractions
- whether heterosexual or homosexual - at the feet of Jesus brings
about peace in my heart...not the old pain of repression. Trust me
when I say - and as I shared above - that I fully understand
repression and the harm it causes. I don't recommend repression for
anyone!
The interesting truth I have
discovered is that the old repression that caused me so much pain in
my teens and early twenties had to do with the fact that I was
hiding my true life from others...and in that hiddenness I feared
that I would be rejected or abandoned if people really knew me. In
Christ and the love of my wife and the love of equally vulnerable
Christians, there is no hiding and there is no fear to be honest
about who I am and what I struggle with. You can't know you're loved
if you're not known...and you can't receive healing while you're
hiding. Today, my life is lived honestly and openly - the good and
the bad - with Christ, my wife, my family and my Christian friends.
I am no longer hiding. And I no longer feel the pain of repression.
I am free in Christ...free indeed.
I lost my life…that is true…the
only life I knew. But Jesus saved me and He gave me a new life…a
life I could never have known without Him. And together, Jesus has
given my wife and I a great purpose - to love each other and to care
for our children. And to care for children who don’t have parents.
In our spare time, the Lord has taken us all over the world to
minister to orphans. There is no greater LOVE than this – that Jesus
gave His life for us. And there is no greater JOY than this – to
take the love of Christ to the fatherless.
WHAT ABOUT YOU
Maybe someone in your life is homosexual. We would be
honored to listen to your concerns and pray for you and your loved
one. Or maybe you are homosexual. We would be honored to listen
to your concerns and pray for you as well.
There
are two promises I make - first, God is faithful to receive you
just as you are. Second, we at FOTOS will
never ask you to change! Our greatest joy would be for you to
personally know the One that can satisfy you completely. We know
that as you seek Jesus Christ you will discover that He has already
been seeking you! You are His precious child and He has a great
purpose for your life!
Maybe you are realizing that the Creator of our entire
world REALLY is seeking YOU…with love, with patience, with
forgiveness. You sense God knocking at the door of your heart. But
you fear letting go. You 
wonder – can I really know this kind of personal God? Can
HE really be found? Will He really receive me?
I want to assure you that the next step is a safe one to
take. God has a promise just for you in Jeremiah 29:11-14 - “For I
know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then
you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to
you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your
heart. I WILL BE FOUND BY YOU.”
If you are interested in discovering more, check
out The Gospel and God's great love for you. We also welcome you
to Contact Us anytime with any questions you may have. We'd love to
hear Your Story!
God bless you friend,
Bill Henson
You can reach me toll-free
at
(877) 683-6867 or by email at
